Before leaving the house I wrote down a list of the things I needed to do while I was out. I had a few errands to run in the morning, then a meeting at 11:30 A.M., A dentist appointment at 14:00 P.M., the groceries list and some other stuff that I can’t remember. It was also very important to get in touch with the guy who’s doing our access control installation at home.
Lately my brain fog got so bad that I barely remember anything. I am scared that at one point I will completely forget everything, my identity included. This scary thought seems to become a reality day by day. It frightens me. I try to keep my mind busy, in order not to lose it. I am terrified that I will have the same future as my mother.
I don’t want to get there. I would like to enjoy my golden age in a nice setting with family around, not institutionalized without a single idea of who I used to be or who are my family members. I don’t want to end up in that position where I am a burden for everyone around me. I rather die before seeing this happening.
My husband is telling me that I am exaggerating. That I have no reason to think I could share my mom’s misfortunate faith. He always says he won’t allow this to happen to me. He makes me smile because we both know that these are only words. There’s nothing that he could actually do to preventing this events from unfolding themselves.
I stood in my car trying to refresh my memory, hoping to remember the things on my damn list. I couldn’t. I got annoyed and I ended up crying. I think I need to talk to someone about my fears. I think I need professional help. I need therapy. I need to learn how to channel my emotions and redirect my focus into something else.
I don’t even know how to bring up this issue to my husband. I am sure he won’t understand me and he would say it’s a foolish idea. He is alway there for me, but I feel that on this issue, he can’t help. It will be better for me to discuss with a professional about this issues before they grow bigger and turn into something else.
Maybe I will hide this thing from him, at least for a while, when I will start feeling better. Than I could reveal to him I had been seeing a therapist.